The What If's

Did I make the right choice? Would that person have made me happy or would we have still failed as a couple? As humans it is hard for us not to think back on decisions we've made and wonder what could've happened. Coulda, woulda, shoulda would not exist if we weren't curious about the paths not taken. That has me wondering...do we worry about the what if's in life, or leave them as coulda,woulda,shouldas and be happy with the way our life has played out?

One of my girlfriends and I were having drinks one day talking about past relationships and we stopped and realized that we had just said WHAT IF at least 50 times. That had me thinking about why we question so much. Clearly those past relationships weren't good for us. We are both better now than we were then. However, our brains automatically think about all the ways it could've gone right if just a few things were different. Ugh of course it would be our mind that f**ks with us.

Have you ever thought back on a relationship and remembered all the good times and then found yourself missing that person? Did you just have yes echo in your mind? Okay you're not alone. Here is the thing, in reality that person hurt you and never deserved to be with you based off his/her actions. You aren't really missing that person, you miss the possibility of that person. You see that person with someone else giving them what you wanted all along from them. You start thinking well maybe it was me, and what if I would have done this differently? In reality it doesn't matter what you would've done differently because that wasn't your person. Hold up. Wait a minute. We need to read that again. That was NOT your person.

When you're thinking of the what if's you're not clearly seeing the facts. I have fell victim to the what if's many times and every time I allow them to take me back to a person there is always more pain to follow. I have found that we all need a reminder on why listening to the what if's is a big no no. Here are some of the facts that have helped me stop myself from going down the what if maze.

The facts.

Number 1. Y'all broke up for a reason. Could be many different reasons. Bottom line is that there is a reason that y'all aren't together anymore. Don't sit back and search for a reason it could've worked. Don't put yourself through more pain than the situation has already put you through. You'll only be hurting yourself by trying to think of a reason to stay lingering in your past.

Number 2. There is not a hidden mystery behind you missing him/her. It's okay to miss someone. Feel that emotion, don't shove it down trying to be strong. They were apart of your life, you learned some lessons and you are better now because of it. However, don't let the fact that you miss that person cloud your judgement. Don't think that you are feeling things for a purpose. There is no purpose other than you are human and humans have to feel everything before they can truly move on. Stay focused on the lessons you've learned and thinking about how you're better off now. Be you, be strong, and move on.

Number 3. No matter how pretty their honeymoon stage looks, your ending hell wasn't. The worst thing you can do is compare their beginning with y'all's ending. Of course at the beginning everything is good. Its called the honeymoon stage for a reason. You may not remember being treated well at the beginning because there has just been so many bad times that you've forgotten, but I promise you they were there. If they can be like that at the beginning then they will 9 times out of 10 have the same ending y'all did. He/She didn't change. They are still doing what they did with you. We want better. We don't want the same. So, remember the ending and don't allow yourself to be blinded by the honeymoon daze that you see them in.

Number 4. No matter how many times you make them into a better person in your head it will never transfer into him/her being a better person in reality. Your reality is not as pleasant as that. Changing isn't something you can make someone do, it's something they choose to do on their own. It is such a blessing to see the best in every person. Yes. However, it is also a curse. There is not one person who is fully good or fully bad. We all have a little bit of good and bad in us, but you can't only see the good in someone. If the bad out shadows the good and it has hurt you before then there is no what if to wipe that pain away. You can't bend reality to your will.

Number 5. This is the most important fact, so listen up. Above all else remember your worth. Someone who has chosen to hurt you does not value you. Everyone has the possibility to be a good person and not hurt you, but is that always the case...more than likely not. So, when someone makes the choice to hurt you then they don't deserve to be in your life. By not allowing them back into your life you're showing them and others that you wont stand to be treated that way and that you're more than aware of how much you're worth. When you allow a what if to take you back you're showing him/her that you don't value yourself. If you allow them back into your life you're unknowingly showing them how they can treat you. They got you back so to them how they treated you is acceptable. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result (Cheyenne's Dictionary). So, if a what if creeps in shove it down with an "oh uh uh I know my worth!"

What if's are normal. They make us human. However, when it comes to past relationships its best not to trek down the what if spiral. If you set yourself up and make choices that better you and your life you'll never question if it was the right choice. You will just know. When you come to this realization it won't be what if you say, it will be "even if this had happened" I wouldn't trade where I am now. You will start trading fear for faith in yourself. Always remember who you are, remember your worth, and never forget the facts that THE WHAT IF'S keep you from seeing.

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